Growing Up

I hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween!

This is something I wrote a few years ago, and am just now finding the courage to post it. For me, putting my thoughts in print, whether in a journal or on here, is very difficult (this is why I own many barely started journals). There's just something about seeing what I actually think exposed in front of me.

So with that intro, here it is.


If you are a close friend of mine, or actually anyone within earshot and who has had the "privilege" of hearing me spout my opinions, you will know that entitlement, specifically in western culture, is something I have chosen to be my own personal battle. For me, it is the core of the apathy and selfishness that keeps people from their Creator.

Specifically, I abhor misplaced entitlement. An example of this is a typical spoiled child. A mother takes her son into a store, and he whines and throws a temper tantrum in various aisles. The mother is embarrassed, and decides to leave the store. Her son sees a toy he wants, and voices his desire. The mother, of course, says no, and the kid throws the king of all hissy fits. Why? He feels entitled to the toy. Does he deserve it? No, but he thinks he does. Therefore, his entitlement is misplaced. If the mother knows what she's doing, she will refuse the child his toy, and take him home. After various scenes like this, her son will learn to grow out of feeling entitled to things he has no business feeling entitled to.

This is what the western world, specifically America, needs to do. Grow up, I mean. I find myself appalled by the behavior of teens, twenty somethings, thirty somethings, middle aged folk, and even the elderly. When it comes down to it, it is childish behavior. I see older, wiser people admonishing those who are younger, only to turn around and act the same way themselves. In fact, it is more aggravating to see those who have lived far longer than me act like children.

Thankfully, God has more patience than I do. He sees us for the children that we are, and loves us anyway. He gently reminds us, like the mother in the store should, that we are misplaced when we feel entitled to anything. He reminds us that everything we have, be it material possessions, relationships, family, our rights, our free will we have only because he chooses it to be so.

Yet many of us, like a spoiled child, grow infuriated at this reminder. We act out more harshly. We deny the very God who created us, and all for what? Our false sense that we deserve what we want? Why do our wants always come first? Should we not expect to get what we deserve, whether or not it is what we want? Who do we think we are? To act as though we are the center of the universe is a far worse slap in the face of God than many other things we can do. Again, this is the very center of the human problem--we place ourselves as most important, at the center of our universe, in essence, as our own personal god. How dare we?

Thank Jesus for bridging us and our God. I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of me.


You who deny him--what is the cost? What are you gaining? A false sense of peace? Of entitlement? Your own personal control? Are you happy? Have you gotten everything you want, or are you waiting for something more to happen? Are you sitting in your middle class home, surrounded by evidence of your intellect and great mind, thinking you have it all? Or have you given up all that, because you can see beyond material possessions, sitting quite proud of yourself because you have proven to be so selfless--but still feel discontent? Do you have more wealth and fame than most in the world, completely zen, yet still feel misplaced somehow? What is the cost?

He is a merciful God, but he is also just, and he will not wait forever. You choose, your misplaced entitlement, your essentially self-worship, which is merely a shadow, or the one true God, the living Jesus, who created you unique and desires you to simply follow him.

I'm afraid you cannot have it both ways, but then again, why would you want to?

Let's grow up.

An Early Halloween

A few nights ago, I went with some friends to an old Victorian mansion for a night of dramatic readings of Victorian ghost tales. The actors read many poems and short stories, such as this spooky story by Edith Wharton, and the ever-popular Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe. Perhaps the lights being out and someone reading them makes them a little scarier, but it was fun nonetheless! We love our scary stories.

So, to add to the fun, here is my favorite creepy story by Charlotte Perkins Gillman, written in 1892. If you are looking for something other than the modern gore and ghost tales you get at Halloween, try this one! It's good old-fashioned subtlety and gives you goosebumps without resorting to homicidal maniacs and machetes (although I can get a good laugh out of those, as well).

Happy Halloween!

Re-do

**Disclaimer** I am writing this, not knowing if anyone actually reads all this, but I do owe an apology. This site has not really lived up to what it should be, because I have not been. A lot has happened since it began, not an excuse, I know, yet I find it more difficult to write lately.

That being said, you will see some slight changes in posts. I still hope to have friends post now and again, but seeing as this was my project from the start, most will be based upon my experience. I also don't want to box myself in, so I'm hoping this blog can evolve as I go along, by God's will.

So here we go!

I recently read the book To End All Wars. My parents recommended it to me and gave me their copy to read. To preface this, I was somewhat reluctant, as my parents and I tend to have differing views when it comes to topics such as wars, politics, etc., and my mom told me it would "change the way I think." Whenever someone tells me how I will be affected, I tend to become determined to have a different reaction, just to prove that I can. Stubborn, I know.

At any rate, this book is excellent, and I highly recommend it. As I read books, I keep a notebook or a computer nearby and write down different quotes and thoughts that come to mind. The following is a short paragraph that the author wrote near the end of the book. For a short background, the book was written by Ernest Gordon, who was a Scottish soldier captured by the Japanese in World War II. The book was also one of the sources for the movie "Bridge Over the River Kwai."

We did not know the full answer to the mystery of suffering, but we could see that so much of it was caused by "man's inhumanity to man", by selfishness, by greed, and by all the forces of death that we readily support in the normal course of life. The cry of the innocent child, the agony I had seen in the eyes of a Chinese mother as she carried her dead baby, the suffering caused by earthquakes, fires or floods, we could not explain. But we could see that God was not indifferent to such pain.

I was sitting at work today, looking over some of these past quotes I had marked, and came across this one, and felt compelled to post it. I remember reading this and thinking that Gordon got to the truth of the matter. While I in no way have gone through any pain or suffering remotely near what those soldiers did, I still am one who wonders about the suffering I see in this world. So many of us get hung up on it all--wondering how God could let it happen, how can we theologically explain it, how do we answer for it to unbelievers, etc.--but we miss out on the point--God is not indifferent to the pain, whatever its cause. I cannot stress how important this is!

I guess I am at a point in my life where I can see more pain around me than joy or blessings--but I must remember that God recognizes this and has equipped me to be able to cope. I am reminded of a quote by C. S. Lewis:

Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

I'm sure many of you can testify to this. I pray we do not drown out his shouts!


With hope, and peace

J

Side Note

For you, my elder brother, on your birthday:

Strong Son of God, immortal Love,
Whom we, that have not seen thy face,
By faith, and faith alone, embrace,
Believing where we cannot prove;

Thine are these orbs of light and shade;
Thou madest Life in man an brute;
Thou madest Death; and lo, thy foot
Is on the skull which thou hast made.

Thou wilt not leave us in the dust:
Thou madest man, he knows not why,
He thinks he was not made to die;
And thou has made him: thou art just

Thou seemest human and divine,
The highest, holiest manhood, thou
Our wills are ours, we know not how;
Our wills are ours, to make them thine.

Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be;
They are but broken lights of thee,
And thou, O Lord, art more than they.

We have but faith: we cannot know,
For knowledge is of things we see;
And yet we trust it comes from thee,
A beam in darkness: let it grow.

Let knowledge grow from more to more,
But more of reverence in us dwell;
That mind and soul, according well,
May make one music as before,

But vaster. We are fools and slight;
We mock thee when we do not fear:
But help thy foolish ones to bear;
Help thy vain worlds to bear they light.

Forgive what seem'd my sin in me,
What seem'd my worth since I began;
For merit lives from man to man,
And not from man, O Lord, to thee.

Forgive my grief for one removed,
They creature, whom I found so fair.
I trust he lives in thee, and there
I find him worthier to be loved.

Forgive these wild and wandering cries,
Confusions of a wasted youth;
Forgive them where they fail in truth,
And in thy wisdom make me wise.

--Alfred Lord Tennyson


I love and miss you.


With hope,

J

The Cost of Cynicism

This post comes out of my own conviction today.

There are a lot of followers of Jesus today who have fallen into a trend of being Christian cynics. Those who do this, myself included, find something to criticize about every single Christian we come across. We constantly pick out what is wrong with believers around the world.

I believe that this is happening not because we are hateful, but because we are taking too far the desire to self-evaluate, as well as to encourage our brothers and sisters in Christ to reassess their motives, values, and intentions in their walk with God. The problem, however, lies in the fact that there is no perfect human. The more we focus on the negative in others, and in ourselves, the more disappointed and cynical we become. Then the arguing begins. Friends and family turn on each other, and label it "tough love."

There is a time when tough love has its place--I believe that if we are walking with God, we will know when he desires us to rebuke a fellow believer out of love. However, I do not believe that God is glorified or happy when we walk around in a constant state of pessimism and skepticism about other believers, let alone those are not yet saved. God calls us to a hope, found in him through Christ, and whenever we fail to hope in him, and fail to hope that he is working in others, just as we know he is working in us, we are creating more harm then good. The point is, we cannot possibly know how God is working in the hearts of others-and we have no place assuming that he is not. God is a God of all possibilities, and to act in a constant state of cynicism, I believe, is not what he desires for us.

In Paul's letter to Titus, he gives us good practical instructions for living every day:

Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of the eternal life. The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people. But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless. As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.

(3:1-11)


Why is it that we seem to be able to have more grace toward those who do not follow God, and forget to have grace against our fellow believers? Perhaps they know better, yes, but knowledge does not mean a person is less deserving of God's grace. I pray that we can continue to guard our tongues, and our minds from pessimism--because such thoughts will be acted out in our actions.

And what, then, is the cost?

A Prayer

Our soul waits for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.

For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.

Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.

Psalm 33:20-22

Joy Through a Broken Heart

For the first time in my life, I truly believe I am in communion with God. Understand, I am eternally grateful for this, this relationship he has given me and allowed to grow and evolve as I do, from a child, to an adolescent, to a so-called "adult." I am not spiritually superior because of this, I am merely a daughter communing with my Lord, and I cannot begin to express the joy that comes with it.

In church recently, my pastor reminded us that we are to be broken before God--but this does not necessarily mean that we are unhappy! I have come before God with a broken heart that is not my own--it is broken for the hurts of my closest and dearest friends. My only thought today is, if this is the amount of joy that comes from a once-removed broken heart, when my own trials come, I cannot imagine the intensity of the joy that will follow. Praise him! I cannot even begin to use words to describe this feeling, this speaking to God and knowing without a doubt that he answers. It is like breathing. He is the way, the truth, and the life. My oxygen. I am utterly dependent. He sent from on high, he took me, he drew me out of many waters (2 Sam. 22:17)

So today, I am reading the Old Testament. It is most precious to me, because to me, there is no question as to who is in charge.

A portion of David's song of deliverance, found in 2 Samuel 22:28-32

You save a humble people, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them down. For you are my lamp, O Lord, and my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God--his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God?


My God, my God, my God! He is everything. His way is perfect, his word proves true---what more do we need to trust? If we put all of our trust in other humans, we will be disappointed, just as those who put trust in me will be disappointed--but what is our imperfection but a way to reveal his perfection? If we could do this on our own, if we could handle situations the way they ought to be, what need would there be for our Lord? To me, disappointment is proof that he exists. Every hit we take, it is further proof that he is perfect and whole. This does not mean that we expect to be disappointed, that we do not trust, but merely that we remember when we are let down, there is Jesus there, who will not ever let us down. It is complex, it is not easy, and it most certainly does not have a practical step by step program that we can wake up and implement into our lives. To be short, it is life!

Remember--

If we have died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him; if we deny him, he will also deny us; if we are faithless, he remains faithful--

for he cannot deny himself.

(2 Timothy 2:11b-13)


With hope,

J