City Mouse, Country Mouse

**Disclaimer--This is a really long post! I hope you take the time to read it, but if you don't, it's completely understandable. Thanks!**



This is a topic that has been on my mind lately, and I'm not really sure why God keeps bringing me back to it. Or even if he is. I know I'm coming across as frustrated--because I am--so please don't take unnecessary offense to anything I say. I don't mean to offend.

I guess I'll start where this started for me. I went for a walk the other day, because some part of me was prompting me to go find a lake, or trees, or something. So I walked around for a while, listening to music, and then marched my way over to the small park and lake that is near my house. After running through deep snow to cross the park, I sat down to rest at a picnic table. I somehow managed, and I don't really know how, to maneuver myself so that I couldn't see cars, people, or houses. And at that moment, I felt so at peace. I felt like God was trying to get something through my thick skull, so I sat for a few more minutes, thinking "ahhh...here it comes...enlighten me."

Which of course, didn't happen. Life doesn't work like that.

So I got up, turned around, and looked at the muddy gray snow piles, at the cars, at the buildings, at the power lines, and immediately felt that peace disappearing, and frustration taking it's place. What was I so frustrated about?

I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing, naturally. I didn't really pray about it, I just figured I was having a bad day. I figured I was looking so hard for something to make sense to me; that I was being dramatic. Which I get told I am, often, so I was trying to not do that. This all lead to me lying in bed last night, in my second hour of trying to fall asleep, when it hit me: I felt guilty for feeling relief at not being surrounded by people. I felt guilty for not liking the city.

When I say city, I mean all of a city. I mean the downtown, urban, and suburban areas. Anything that includes massive amounts of buildings, people, houses, etc. Why would I feel guilty about this? Should I feel guilty about it?

Moving from a "middle of nowhere" town to a relatively bigger city, I encountered many wonderful people who have such a passion for the city. They are so inspired by the diversity, the movement, the opportunities. There's always something to do--and this excites them. As Christians, they have a passion for reaching everyone for Christ, and a city is the perfect way to do that. Having these people as close friends has certainly helped me to grow in so many ways.

But at the end of the day, I still couldn't shake the fact that I didn't feel that passion. I wanted to. I wanted to get excited about everything I could do on any given night. I wanted to feel called, pulled, toward anything urban, because it seems so much more eye-opening than living in a small town. But I don't. In all honesty, the city stifles me. I feel trapped, like I'm in a huge snow globe that I can't get out of. There is never night, and people are always moving, there is a lot of pressure to be constantly moving as well, and it makes me feel incredibly restless. The same reason city people hate how the suburbs are the "in-between" compromise, I do, too.

Instead, I find that I feel closer to God when I am actually living somewhere with less people--but still the chance for meaningful relationships. I feel like I am not as lost, and am more useful for his purposes. I get excited when I think about being in an area no one has ever seen. I think that the "country" often gets a bad rap, and people there are portrayed as judgmental and narrow-minded. I am also guilty of thinking that at times. But then I remember my family. Some of them are from a town of less than 100 people, truly in the middle of nowhere, and they are by far the least judgmental people I know. I have met many people who live in cities who are far less accepting of others.

I'm not trying to say that one or the other is right. I truly do love that most of my friends are so excited about living in cities. I just want to put out there, what I feel like is a minority opinion--I much prefer living in a small town in the middle of nowhere.

All in all, where God is telling you to be is between you and him. Don't let others around you influence who God created you to be. I believe that when God says to reach all people, he also means those who live in the far corners of small towns with no post offices. Sure, there are disadvantages--but pretending that living in a city excites you is not the answer. Bigger is not always better.

I'm still processing all this, and I know maybe it doesn't make sense, but I also know, I don't feel guilty anymore for being made to live differently than a lot of people I know. I'm sure I'll find plenty of other people who feel the same way I do. And I don't feel ashamed of where I come from, and I pray I wouldn't feel ashamed if God called me back there.

Besides, I miss the trees, and fresh air.

I'll leave you with a favorite quote by Henry David Thoreau:

I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.